So…while we’re all waiting for Dick Van Dyke to kick off (please…you think anyone’s going to care the day after he hits 100?), there’s currently not much else to do in the popular culture than celebrate the upcoming Christmas holiday. And what’s the best way to do that? Why, with early 70s German soft-core porn, that’s how! After all…that’s where most of our Christmas traditions were born! (…in Germany, not the porn industry).

By Paul Mavis

A few years back, those naughty kleine Kobolde, Impulse Pictures, released Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think Is Possible (Schulmädchen-Report: Was Eltern nicht für möglich halten), which was known as The School Girls here in the States, when it was released by Fine Films (indeed!) in 1970. In a naked attempt (sorry) to boost our readership via accidental Google searches, let’s look at this Fake German Documentary about Hot Naked High School Seniors having Sex in Berlin and Munich and Various other Stops in the Fatherland!

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I’m fairly certain I saw this German sexploiter at the drive-in back in the early 80s (if not this exact one, then one of the 11 or 12 sequels they made). No doubt re-named several times (I always cracked up at those clashing dropped-in title card changes), there was still no mistaking those busty Bavarian babes or that instantly recognizable sly, fey, subtle Teutonic sense of humor….

An international box office hit from 1970 that somehow caught the fancy of middle-aged men all over the world, Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible is chock-full of attractive little lieblings (all over 18, so calm down), searching in vain to sexually “find themselves” in this chaotic, changing world (kind sir, ahm gettin’ the vapors…).

To illustrate these anzüglich little tales (and tails, come to think of it), Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible pretends to be a serious documentary on the changing sexual mores of 1970s German youth. But relax: anyone who’s ever been near a documentary will know this is a goof from the first five minutes.

Taking the simple framework of a school advisory board trying to determine if a student who was caught having sex on a field trip should be dismissed (where do I get a permission slip for that!), Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible combines some real and faked cinema verite “man on the street” interviews with fictional vignettes about young schoolgirls having sex, to come up with a fairly harmless full-frontal nudie that won’t offend you as much as leave you laughing at the silliness of it all.

You see, Renate is a naughty little fraulein of 18 who, while touring a local power plant, can’t help herself and goes back to the empty bus to have sex with the leering driver (as you do). Caught by her prim and proper and stolidly German teacher, Renate’s fate is in the hands of the strangely curious school board who are ready to kick her out for corrupting the morals of the other girls.

But kindly Dr. Bernauer (Gunter Kieslich), the school psychologist, defends Renate’s behavior as perfectly in keeping with the new sexual practices of today’s youth. And to prove his point, he apparently spends the better part of an hour and a half detailing various sexual adventures of underaged schoolgirls he has counseled. Fortunately for the audience, no one on the board objects to the Dr. Bernauer taking so much time, to be so thorough, in Renate’s defense.

And so, we get several flashbacks that purportedly detail what’s all the rage with young German girls when it comes to sex. Despite the “documentary’s” insistence that what we’re going to see is “new” and “shocking,” all the stock sexploitation situations are represented, including student/teacher sex (did that), the naughty confessional with a priest (Methodist minister tried that with me), sex with a tutor (did it), masturbation fantasies (come on…), nymphomania (a favorite), threesomes with the pool boy (I don’t have a pool), the “first time” encounter, lesbianism (another fave), and so on and so on (did most of those, too).

None of this is particularly graphic (it would be lucky to get an “R” today); just when the action starts, Dr. Bernauer’s annoyingly soothing voiceover comes on, and stops the whole thing cold (as they used to say on MST3K, too much talking always ruins it).

In an effort to lend credibility to the proceedings (excuse me while I chortle, meine freunde), inbetween the fictional stories, Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible intersperses “man on the street” interviews with supposedly real people, with Friedrich von Thun asking women various embarrassing questions about their sex life.

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Often playing like those hilarious Monty Python “man on the street” parodies, the von Thun interviews are interesting only in the audience game that ensues, wherein we try to guess which interviews are faked with actresses, and which ones are real. Being the savvy moviegoer that you are, dear reader, you won’t have any difficulty figuring out the squares from the actresses (here’s a hint: the actresses don’t seem dead inside).

While the overall effect of Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible is certainly less than its individual parts, it is a fairly good looking movie, with some half-way decent production values (the cinematography is quite nice, for this kind of exploiter, with a good feel for the urban German locales), and a modicum of self-awareness in its execution.

With an unintentionally humorous musical score that sounds like a cross between Henry Mancini‘s Elephant Walk and all the other 1960s cocktail music cues that Austin Powers nakedly ripped off, Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible goes down (sorry) surprisingly easy…if that’s your thing. Certainly, it helps that prior to the movie’s release, reportedly, some morally objectionable sections involving rape and child abuse were excised.

In terms of the demands of a standard sexploiter, Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible‘s big plus is the fact that most of the women (who are obviously not underage, despite what the film insists) are quite attractive, something that most definitely wasn’t always true with American sexploitation films at the time. After all…that’s why we’re watching this, right?

And while no one in the audience at the time (which must have largely consisted of teen-aged boys and middle-aged men) thought this was a serious look at teen sex lives in Germany, the producers’ determination to keep a straight face while they lie to us has to be admired.

So…some good looking girls, a stupid plot, some nice cinematography, and all the cliches of an early 1970s sexploiter make Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible exactly what you’d think it was: a particularly German waste of time. But hey, these sexploitation flicks are an acquired taste with some moviegoers, so if you want your relatively innocuous R-rated nudies with a Prussian lilt to the unintentionally funny dialogue, you’ll be fine with Schoolgirl Report: Volume #1: What Parents Don’t Think is Possible.

Paul Mavis is an internationally published movie and television historian, a member of the Online Film Critics Society, and the author of THE ESPIONAGE FILMOGRAPHY. Click to order.

Read more of Paul’s movie reviewshere. Read Paul’s TV reviews at our sister website, Drunk TV. Visit Paul’s blog, Mavis Movie Madness!…but mostly TV.